Showing posts with label rapture. Show all posts
Showing posts with label rapture. Show all posts

Tuesday, May 24, 2011


This morning I got on the scale after a week of pre-rapture gorging, and I lost 2.5 pounds.  How in the heck did that happen?  When I'm being really strict and starving myself, I can't seem to lose more than a half a pound a week, if any; and for the last several weeks I've been gaining and losing the same two pounds (the two pounds BEFORE the loss of the pre-rapture pounds.) 

At first I was really excited, but now I'm thinking maybe my soul did get raptured and that it weighed 2.5 pounds.  So now I'm ten sticks of butter thinner, but soulless.  Fair trade?  I'm not sure.  You'd think a soul would be worth more than 2.5 pounds.  The funny part is, if that's what really happened, I don't feel any different without a soul.  I don't feel like going on a murder rampage (any more than usual), I don't feel like committing any of the seven deadly sins (that's a lie), or breaking any commandments except 3,4, 8, 9, and 10.  But that's also not different than pre-rapture Sarah.  I don't feel any different except my jeans are slightly looser, I know I no longer have a soul, and I know that a soul weighs the same as ten sticks of butter.  About the same as a brain.  Hey, I just thought of something... maybe I lost my brain in the rapture. Crap.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

I've got the post-rapture blahs

Okay, we made it to May 22 and nobody got sucked up into the sky, and there was no, grave-opening earthquakes.  I didn't really think it was going to happen, but I thought some crazy people might do something stupid like have a mass suicide/murder party or something and that stuff really creeps me out because it reminds me of how truly nuts some people are, and you know that you must run in to those people at the grocery store, or when you get gas or something, and who knows if you are going to happen to be in the same place as one of them when they completely flip their lid?  I stayed home yesterday and read my book just in case.  The only concession I gave to the rapture was that I ate whatever I wanted for about three days because if the rapture is going to happen, how pissed would I be if I spent the last days eating oatmeal and carrot sticks? Pretty pissed.  So I had some pita chips and pizza and a candy bar.  Big whoop.  Now I have to get back on the old health wagon which, when I'm in the groove makes me happy and feel good, but when I'm not in the groove, like right now, it makes me wish the rapture would have happened.

I also have to clean the basement, which is another reason I wish the rapture would have happened.  It's a dump, but I have to do it because the next end-of-times scare isn't until October, and I can't wait that long to vacuum up old popcorn seeds and bird feathers.

Or can I?

Wednesday, May 18, 2011


You want to hear something weird?  When I opened the "new post" window to write this post which is going to be about the rapture happening on Saturday, I saw that this is my 666th post!  SPOOOOOOOOOKKKKYYYYYY!!!!! 

Anyhoo, if you haven't heard, the rapture is happening on May 21, Saturday; and the end of the world is happening on October 21.  On Saturday all of Jesus's bffs will be stripped naked and sucked up to heaven, and all of the rest of us will remain down here to endure what sounds like a really shitty five months, this according to Harold Camping and Family Radio.  I have been following a blog about this, and yesterday they were advertising t-shirts that say "rapture ready" and they are on sale "for a very limited time."  HA HA HA!  (get it?  the world is ending?  limited time?)  They are charging 18 dollars for them.  Why not just give them away?  Who needs the 18 bucks before Saturday? 

I heard about this story originally on NPR, of all places, and some people really really believe this is going to happen and they have quit jobs, given away all their money etc. etc.  Yikes.  I was thinking that these people are going to feel so stupid on May 22, but then they interviewed one man who said, "If I wake up on May 22, I will be in hell," so no matter what happens, if May 22 dawns beautiful and peaceful and bright, if he doesn't get sucked up to heaven on May 21, he will be living in hell.  Poor guy. 

I'm 99.9999 percent sure that the rapture will not happen on Saturday (or ever), but just in case, I'm going to put my diet on hiatus until Sunday. 

One time when I was the director of an alternative school that was a program of a larger high school, we got a new high school principal who was technically my boss, but I hated him and he hated me.  He hated me because I was a female in her 20s and didn't fawn over him, and I hated him because he was an incompetent douche.  He didn't like the idea of providing an alternative to traditional high school, even though it had proven to be wildly successful, so he tried sabotaging our program.  One of the ways he did this was by giving me a science teacher who was a born-again Christian and was very preachy, didn't believe in science, and whose main theme of his Earth Science class was that the earth was only 6000 years old.  The kids, bless their little hearts, politely challenged him by asking about dinosaur bones, and carbon dating, and he countered by telling them that the fossils were planted by God to fool us and test to see who really had faith. 


He taught them all about Adam and Eve (not Adam and Steve, thankyouverymuch), coelacanths and how they proved that scientists were sinful idiots and evolution was a joke, and he briefly broached the science of archaeology by having a series of lectures about the remains of Noah's ark on some mountain somewhere.  I couldn't really do much about him except tell the principal (who knew exactly what was going on,) and tell the kids that their science teacher was full of shit, and remind the science teacher of his job and of state curriculum guidelines etc. etc.  The guy wouldn't budge from his preaching because he was a true believer and needed to spread the word.  He really was sincere in his beliefs, and I find myself thinking about him this week.  I wonder what he is doing to get ready for the rapture and I wonder if he would give me his car or his 401k to make the impending 5 months of apocalypse a little easier for me to endure.  I would give him his keys and money back on May 22, but I wouldn't do it without a Nelson-like HA HA!