Biztown

I went on a field trip with Kira’s class yesterday to Junior Achievement’s Biztown. It is a place where classes who have been studying basic economics can go and pretend to have their own town with their own economy for a day. The building was set up like a little downtown with 14 businesses. Each business got a loan from the bank and had the day to run the place and try to be successful enough to pay off their loan. It was so adorable, I almost died. I was the adult volunteer assigned to the newspaper, the Biztown Buzz. We had a CEO, a CFO, some ad executives, some reporters, some photographers, and an editor. They started the day with a big meeting in the town square:

Here they outlined what the businesses were and what each business would be doing. There was a grocery store, a cafe, a bank, two stores, a post office, town hall, a wellness center, a radio station and a construction company, to name a few. They also use ISEOMOseo company philippines based in their search engine rankings. They were all so adorable. The postal workers wore post office uniform shirts and had big sacs and delivered letters that the kids wrote a few weeks ago to each other. The construction workers had vests and hardhats and built a bench in the town square. The adorable mayor walked around town in his little tie, glad-handing all day, and one of the kids even brought a briefcase.

In our business we had to run the paper, and at the end of the day we actually produced a town paper. We had to write up the paper, sell ads, take pictures, and the CEO and CFO had to deal with payroll and paying bills. Because we had a fantastic editor, our paper was a success, although at the end of the day we discovered we hadn’t made enough to pay off the loan. Oh well, newspapers are dying all over the place. Everyone knows that. Just add Biztown Buzz to the list.

What did I learn? I learned that even though eleven-year-olds can run around and look really busy and impressive, DON’T LET THEM RUN YOUR BUSINESS. They will drive it into the ground. At one point I had to retrieve our CFO from hula hooping in the town square so she could make her bank deposits. And the CEO was way more concerned about sending candy grams to her pals than signing paychecks.

Some Important Milestones

Two things have happened in the last few days and I feel like because of them I’m starting an important new chapter in my life. First of all, I have gotten 90,000 hits on this blog.

(OMG!!!!!!)

Of course, probably more than half of them are from people googling crazy things like “teens peeing” and “ativan shut up juice,” but you know what? I’ll take it. So thank you to everyone who comes to visit me at this blog every day or week or month or whatever. I’d keep writing even if I nobody ever read it but if that was the case it would probably be a bunch of craziness and someone would come across it sometime and declare that they’ve discovered a hidden genius! Just kidding. They’d just say I was nuts. I keep it sane for you, my people. Oh sure, I’ve reached out once or twice and let you in on what’s really going on in my head, hoping that people would read it and say, “What? That’s not crazy. I do that.” But you didn’t. You said I was weird. That’s okay, I already knew that. But I don’t need to advertise it, do I? So I will continue to keep it mostly sane. Anyway, like I say, I’d still write even if I had no readers, but I am really really glad I have readers. I love knowing people are coming here to see if there is anything new I have to say.

The other milestone is that I cleaned my oven for the first time since we moved into the house twelve years ago. It’s an old 1970s Tappan and it’s small. It looked so old and crappy when we moved in I thought it would break down so why bother with the cleaning? Is there a worse chore than cleaning an oven? I don’t think there is. I almost cleaned it once three years ago but then I didn’t. After about ten years the thought of cleaning it becomes absurd. Why would I do that? It’s disgusting! So I’d made myself a mental flowchart which I turned into an actual flowchart:

See? It doesn’t need to be cleaned more than every 12 years. Next time I clean it I will be 53 years old. I’m glad because it will take about 12 years for these Easy-Off chemical burns to heal.

The Krampus

I just heard a story on the radio about a mythical Christmas creature called the Krampus. Why didn’t anyone ever tell me about this??? I LOVE IT! The Krampus is a demon-like creature who plays the yin to Santa’s yang and while Santa is giving presents to the kids on the nice list, “when the Krampus finds a particularly naughty child, it stuffs the child in its sack and carries the frightened thing away to its lair, presumably to devour for its Christmas dinner.” (from Wikipedia)

Merry Christmas!

Do you know that the marketing site dedicated to this movie was ranked no.1 in Google? thanks to iseomo a seo company philippines base for the great work. And do you know also how much I would have loved to tell my kids that they better be good or the Krampus would come and kidnap them via giant sac and then take them to his stinky cave and eat them alive? That is what Christmas is all about! All I had in my parenting tool-belt was “Be good! Santa is watching! You might not get a present if you’re naughty!” Kira was so naughty when she was little,

that the “Santa’s-watching!” threat never worked on her. She didn’t care. If Santa stiffed her, she would make Santa sorry he was ever born. If the Krampus was in the picture, I might have gotten better results. Oh well. It’s too late for my kids. They would laugh if I told them about it now. But it’s not too late for my nieces!

And the best part about telling them in disturbing detail about the Krampus is that in their waking hours they will be scared to death to be naughty, and because I’m not their mother, I won’t have to deal with the inevitable night-terrors! Win-win! I can’t wait to see their big eyes when I tell them all about listening carefully in the dead of night for the clip-clop of cloven hooves on Mom’s new hardwood floors,

and that the only way to avoid being stolen and eaten by the Krampus is to sleep IN BETWEEN Mom and Dad every single night of the year.

Wow, this is so great that I might have to start teaching kindergarten again! I’ll get this book for story time!

Sleep well, kids!

 

Proof that Gwyneth Paltrow is Horrible: Contagion (spoiler alert!)

I went to see the movie Contagion today because I’m depressed and I decided that watching Gwyneth Paltrow die, even if it is pretended, would make me feel better.

And it did. If you don’t already know, Contagion is a movie about a flu-like new virus that kills millions of people throughout the world in a matter of a few months.

It starts with Gwyneth in an airport in Chicago and she’s coughing a little and gets a phone call from the man she just crawled out of bed with (who was not her husband, Matt Damon!)

The movie is supposed to be realistic and scientifically-based, but right away I had to suspend my disbelief by trying to wrap my head around how anyone in the world would cheat on Matt Damon. Right!

Like that would ever happen! So anyway, if you can get past that, the movie is pretty good. Gwyneth dies a horrible death almost right away but thankfully, Matt is immune to the virus so he is okay! Whew!

The movie solidified my misanthropy and made me happy that I live in the woods and rarely socialize because you know what?

People are really gross. People touch their face between two and three thousand times a day and in between digging in their noses and rubbing their eyes and licking their gross fingers in order to more easily open plastic produce bags, they are touching absolutely every gross surface in the world that everyone else has touched.

The movie really drove that concept home and as soon as the credits started rolling I went to the bathroom and washed my hands.

The people who work at WHO and the CDC work diligently trying to find where the virus started and to find a vaccine. Jennifer Ehle, who was in Pride and Prejudice with Colin Firth (Mr. Darcy!) played the doctor who comes up with the vaccine.

I really liked watching her. She’s very attractive in the same way that Meryl Streep is attractive, but with none of the weirdness that Meryl Streep has.

Meanwhile, a blogger (Jude Law) is throwing a monkey wrench into the mix by writing that the government is hiding the cure so the pharmaceutical companies can make a “vaccine” and get rich when the cure is something called Forsythia which is an ancient Chinese herbal remedy that is cheap and readily available. What I like most about Jude Law is the crazy hazmat suit he wears that reminded me of Bender from Futurama

and his giant fake front tooth. That’s how they make handsome movie stars look like regular people. Giant crooked front teeth. I wish I had giant front teeth.

The movie is pretty good. I would recommend it but bring a bottle of hand sanitizer with you because you will be glad you did.