Proof that Gwyneth Paltrow is Horrible: Contagion (spoiler alert!)

I went to see the movie Contagion today because I’m depressed and I decided that watching Gwyneth Paltrow die, even if it is pretended, would make me feel better.

And it did. If you don’t already know, Contagion is a movie about a flu-like new virus that kills millions of people throughout the world in a matter of a few months.

It starts with Gwyneth in an airport in Chicago and she’s coughing a little and gets a phone call from the man she just crawled out of bed with (who was not her husband, Matt Damon!)

The movie is supposed to be realistic and scientifically-based, but right away I had to suspend my disbelief by trying to wrap my head around how anyone in the world would cheat on Matt Damon. Right!

Like that would ever happen! So anyway, if you can get past that, the movie is pretty good. Gwyneth dies a horrible death almost right away but thankfully, Matt is immune to the virus so he is okay! Whew!

The movie solidified my misanthropy and made me happy that I live in the woods and rarely socialize because you know what?

People are really gross. People touch their face between two and three thousand times a day and in between digging in their noses and rubbing their eyes and licking their gross fingers in order to more easily open plastic produce bags, they are touching absolutely every gross surface in the world that everyone else has touched.

The movie really drove that concept home and as soon as the credits started rolling I went to the bathroom and washed my hands.

The people who work at WHO and the CDC work diligently trying to find where the virus started and to find a vaccine. Jennifer Ehle, who was in Pride and Prejudice with Colin Firth (Mr. Darcy!) played the doctor who comes up with the vaccine.

I really liked watching her. She’s very attractive in the same way that Meryl Streep is attractive, but with none of the weirdness that Meryl Streep has.

Meanwhile, a blogger (Jude Law) is throwing a monkey wrench into the mix by writing that the government is hiding the cure so the pharmaceutical companies can make a “vaccine” and get rich when the cure is something called Forsythia which is an ancient Chinese herbal remedy that is cheap and readily available. What I like most about Jude Law is the crazy hazmat suit he wears that reminded me of Bender from Futurama

and his giant fake front tooth. That’s how they make handsome movie stars look like regular people. Giant crooked front teeth. I wish I had giant front teeth.

The movie is pretty good. I would recommend it but bring a bottle of hand sanitizer with you because you will be glad you did.

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