Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Old Story New To Me

When Sam was 12 years old he went on a Tiger Cruise with my dad. Tiger cruises are when family and friends of sailors can meet a naval ship in Hawaii and then sail to the west coast with the crew and see first hand what how a military ship is run. My sister was an officer on the ship. While Sam was away,  Kira sent him an email - she was 9 - that said,

"Sam is a nut, he has a rubber butt, and every time he turns around it goes putt putt putt."  

Apparently the procedure for sending messages to family was to just email the ship and the communication officer would deliver the messages. He sent this message to the captain who thought it was hilarious so he read it to Sam.  Over the intercom.  The whole ship heard it.  Sam said my sister laughed for the rest of the trip. Literally, the rest of the trip.  He said it got annoying.



Thursday, April 9, 2015

A Fat Woody

Sam:  Mom, why did you always make us wear coats under our Halloween costumes.  I hated that. 

Me:  Because it's cold on Halloween, duh.  

Sam:  I just remember when you made me dress like a fat Woody.  

Kira:  WHAAAATTT??????

Me:  Inappropriate, Sam!  

Sam: Oh. My. God.  You guys are sick.  


Sunday, March 1, 2015

Sensitive Child

The other day, while driving home from somewhere, Kira and I came across an ANCIENT golden retriever walking down the country road by our house.  He was one of the oldest dogs I have ever seen in my life and he was just walking slowly down the road.  I stopped to see if he was okay.  He had a collar on and lived really close so we just left him to go on his way.  I asked Kira if she wished we could keep that dog and she said, "Nah, that's only about a month's worth of dog."


A Regular Saturday

From Sam: 
"Hi Mom, Tyler and I just have to pick up a few things and then we are going over to Tyler's to make a Rube Goldberg machine."



From Kira:
"Sam just got out of the bathroom.  Now is the perfect time to use it.  I like the transferred butt heat." 



They are nice, weird kids.  I'm lucky.  Mainly because I will not have to worry about teenage romance drama, probably ever.  

Sunday, January 11, 2015

Kira in the Car

If I'm ever an exterminator I would wear a snake as belt with its head where the buckle would be. Then I could use the snake like a vacuum for mice. His name would be Trevor.

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Kira in the Car


Kira tells me that until yesterday, she didn't know this was a symbol for "throw your trash here," she thought it was a symbol for a story about a juggler giving up on his dreams.



Thursday, December 4, 2014

Justified

I really like chunky peanut butter.  I eat it every single day.  I also do all the grocery shopping.

One day, Mitch asked me to please buy some creamy peanut butter.  I scoffed.  Yeah, right.  Why in the HELL would anyone want that?  What's the point?  I didn't buy it.  He asked again.  I scoffed again.  I bought an industrial amount of chunky.  Then, a few months later it was time to buy more peanut butter.  Mitch, again, asked very nicely if I would please buy creamy peanut butter along with the chunky.  I said, "WHY do you want that?  Chunky is WAY better!"  He explained that he likes a small amount on his toast and he gets more than he wants with chunky.  Would I please just get some creamy?  So, being the dream wife I am, I got him some creamy.

Later that same night, Mitch came downstairs to watch TV with me and he had made himself a little snack: peanut butter toast with creamy peanut butter....  and he PUT NUTS ON TOP OF IT.

I looked at his toast.  He looked at me.  I looked at him, and I said, "I am going to kill you."




(I couldn't even find a stock internet photo of toast with creamy peanut butter with nuts sprinkled on it, BECAUSE NOBODY IN THEIR RIGHT MIND DOES THAT!)

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Me and Amazon: Our First Fight

Christmas shopping begins!  (Ugh.)  I started by asking Amazon for exactly what I wanted by simply typing it in the search bar:



Ha. Ha. Amazon.  You're so funny.  





Yeah, that's right, Amazon, even though we've known each other for YEARS and YEARS, you apparently don't know me.  I do NOT NEED THERAPY.  Not even Street Therapy.  Thanks anyway, you snot.  









No, I didn't say you are NOT Lazy, Stupid or Crazy.  I said you ARE stupid.  Sooooooo stupid.  And Amazon, the Christmas shopping season is not the time to tell me that God thinks I'm stupid.  You're a real asshole.  







No, Stupid, you have to eat.  


Wait, no you don't.  




Geez!  Take it easy!  Cyberbully!



You win.  




(P.S.  I think it's kind of hilarious that it costs exactly $0.00 to read a book about why God thinks you're stupid.)

(That's IF you have KindleUnlimited, and if you do, God probably does think you're stupid.)




Thursday, November 13, 2014

I'm always right.


This morning I opened up my computer and the above Google Doodle popped up.  I didn't know what it meant and just assumed from the stars and space-like background, along with the horse trailer on prongs that someone was, for some reason, sending a horse trailer into space.  

Mitch got up and I showed it to him and said, "Hey look, someone is sending this horse trailer to space for some reason." 

Then he told me all about how it is the Philae Lander that was going to land on a comet.  He told me that it has harpoons on it to hook it to the comet in case it slipped when it landed because comets are made of ice. 

Then came the argument:

Me:  Space ice isn't slippery.  They don't need harpoons.

Mitch:  I'm just telling you what I read about it.  

Me:  Well, come on, space is really really cold.  Ice isn't slippery unless it is warm enough to melt.  It's only slippery when it melts.  

Mitch:  But it's a comet.  It's moving.  And the lander is moving.  It could slip.  

Me:  Maybe, but I'm just saying space ice isn't slippery.  They don't need harpoons.

Mitch: ........ two minutes ago you thought it was a horse trailer.  Why are we arguing about this???

Me:  Horse trailer or not, it's not going to slip.  


It landed today.  It's on the comet right now.  And you know what?  It didn't slip.  

BOOYAH!!!!!



Sunday, November 9, 2014

Scenes From a Marriage

Me:  Mitch!  Where is my rainbow striped infinity scarf?  I can't find it anywhere and I KNOW I had it recently!  Did you put it somewhere???

Mitch:  Well, I know there is a scarf in the laundry room right now, but I don't think it is the one you are looking for.  It is white and it is finite.


Monday, November 3, 2014